Almost Over

It's really late ... late into the morning, late in the year. Almost at the final hours. I have been listening to this song an awful lot, especially while running. I love the lyrics. I love watching Rob sing. I imagine it come from a special place where in which lies much pain, endurance, humility. I suppose they could be empty words; however, when I watch him, it appears he's thinking about someone, perhaps his wife?

It has really been a hard year. I think it has been hard for many. This is usually the season to be jolly, but I just don't have it in me. I'll just veer from all the merriment a bit, and reach out to all the lonely hearts out there. I want to say, you are not alone. You are in the company of many. But you will be okay. A complete stranger told me that once.

So, here are some thoughts to carry ... don't hold on to anger, it only makes you bitter. Observe and believe when people show who they are, because it's often different than what they tell you. And most importantly, do what you say you are going to do, or don't say it. Toying with people's emotions is cruel. Oh, and one more thing ... learn how to give others dignity; it always matters, whether or not a person is able to receive it at the time.

Coming To An End

It's December, 2009. I love this month, especially the scents of winter--mixture of dark chocolate, wine, evergreen, and fires. I was actually in a store the other day and checked out this new fragrance. It had tobacco and vanilla as primary notes. I really wanted to like it, but it was so linear. Of course I digress (this annoying habit of going off on rabbit trails will be on my New Years resolution list for sure). But anyway, back to the scents of winter--mmmm--the yumminess of cookies, pies, and breads baking. It's the only time of year I actually like to bake. It reminds me of what the holidays should be.

Okay, another year almost gone, and what do I have to show for it? Well, for one, cutting down on extravagance--taking it back to the basics. I'm doing a lot of donating, throwing out, and reorganizing. I am really sick over all the "stuff." But it's so hard, because most of what I have, I have either received as gifts or remind me of some time in my life. Well, it doesn't matter, I still feel the need to simplify. At least for the sake of my sanity. Now, I'm not getting rid of everything ... because, years from now, I want to be able to give my children a decent selection of coolness.

What else am I doing? Brushing up on French. I promised myself I will not go to a French-speaking country if I am not conversationally adept (or at least not going to embarrass myself). I can't believe I let this die. I mean, what was I thinking? And I am going to write more. At least for the sake of my children. I do this because there is little to no history of my family. So much was lost and I barely have pictures, letters, or objects reminding me of where/who I came from. It's as if there were Mom and Dad, but almost nothing before them. And that makes me feel lost. Thankfully, my grandfather is a great story-teller. I love hearing about his childhood--about his courting of my grandmother, the wars, the way things used to be. He's almost 88 years old, and still jogs every morning.

November, 2009

Wow, I have not been on here for a while. And it's not that I've stopped writing, just stopped posting. Not everything is meant for others to see, hear. Actually, I wish I could get to a place where I don't care what others think, but I guess I'm not there yet.

You know, as I've moved from youth's naivete, I still get drawn towards recklessness. Impulsive isn't quite a good descriptor. A person once told me I have a "glitch" in my flight/fight response. Example--I have a fear of open-air heights. So I can be on the top floor of a skyscraper, as long as I'm enclosed. But put me on top of a mountain, and I just might not make it. The "normal" response would be to move away from that which invokes fear, right? Well, oddly, I get a sick compulsion to move towards it. On a high cliff, a battle ensues between rationality and recklessness. So I just don't go there.

Fear is rarely a motivator. Pain, perhaps? Purpose, most definitely. For this, I'm glad to get older. I hope I get wiser. I wish I loved better. Idealistic? Yes. My family and friends are awesome. Their hearts are large. They choose to love even if you haven't showered for days, your dirty laundry is all over town, and you are just a pain in the ass. Everyone else, mostly passing pleasures; hopefully, a few, I can one day call, "friends."

Friday I'm In Love

Okay I'm totally in love ... with my 2 year old son. Today we were at the market picking out flowers and he decided to take my arm and hug it. He's seated in the shopping cart, pulling me close to him and hugging my arm saying, "Mama, I love you!" Did I mention kissing my arm too? He had the brightest grin from ear to ear. Of course I melted. It was just too cute, I could gush on and on ....

Hopefully, he never loses that ability to freely express affection. Somehow, I see this slowly dissipate in males as they age. Why? I suspect a combination of peer pressure and lack of positive reinforcement during formative years. The movie, P.S. I Love You, pops into mind. Guys should see it; not quite Oscar material, but speckled with bits of humor and truth. Believe me, I'm no relationship expert, just a part-time observer.

Oh, one significant gift a mother can give her son, learning how to let go.

Viva

Is it really almost the end of July?  Where has this summer gone?  I can't tell you how I've thoroughly enjoyed it.  The weather has been so beautiful.  Fortunately I've been indulging in some favorite summertime activities--cocktails on the porch, splashing in the pool, drives in the country, concerts, ooh ... and getting caught in thunderstorms.  

Speaking of concerts,  Coldplay was outstanding!  Aside from the heavy petting occurring right next to me, it was almost perfect.  One can't help but fall deeper in love with your best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, children.  Chris Martin has this amazing presence, it's hard to take your eyes off him ... the modern-day Pied Piper ... irresistible. Thinking about it now makes me a bit sad it's over.  But seriously, the buzz in the air was contagious.  We were high ... high on Coldplay.  

And speaking of getting caught in thunderstorms, boy did I ever.  Why did I wear my suede moccasin boots yesterday (not to mention a tissue-thin mini dress, but that story deserves a good wine)?  So what's a sensible girl to do, but instinctively take her shoes off and ... run!  If I didn't have those particular boots or that particular dress on, I might have actually slowed to a walk.  I guess that's the fun of surprises and putting it simply ... living.   

Weekly Treats

We should commit to a weekly "treat" for ourselves. I'm not saying go overboard, but what can you do weekly to replenish and rejuvenate? I don't know what others enjoy, but my weaknesses are fresh flowers, candles, and massages. Seriously, at the cost of a latte or two, one can buy gorgeous roses at The Fresh Market. Cut them under lukewarm running water, I would say leaving a four inch stem, and just stack in a short vase. I sometimes use a pretty glass or maybe an old preserve jar. I'm also a big fan of monochromatic, it just adds more of a punch.

And candles are a must! I've been enjoying a line called Linnea's Lights. Speaking frankly, these are simply the best out there. My favorites are their Amber and Cashmere for the bedroom, Lyndan and Sweetgrass for common areas. The sense of smell is often neglected, but I believe associated with most memories. Why not create a sublime olfactory experience with a simple strike of a match?

My greatest indulgence is a two-hour massage. I absolutely love love love them! One cannot underestimate the power of the human touch. I didn't even know certain places needed help until the next day I am feeling 100% better. A local boutique spa is the way to go, better service all around. And I am huge fan of eucalyptus or lavender oil. It just take the experience up ten notches. Oooh, thinking about it now takes me to the most pleasant of memories.

Please don't wait around for birthdays, special occasions, or someone else to do it. One of the best gift to others is to be the best you!

The Color Purple

Where is this gorgeous lounge? 

The decor is sophisticated yet relaxed.  I love how there is simply one dominant color.  Would you call it lilac?  I imagine great conversations with girlfriends and champagne.  

/images via link/

Chris Everard

Chris Everard is a London-based photographer. He creates such beautiful vignettes inviting you to seek out more of the story. I just love the vibrant cascade of green here, so fresh.

/images via link/

French Macarons

Oh my ... I really really could eat a few everyday. They are nothing like those yucky coconut ones. Once you have a taste, you'll know what I mean.

Form Follows Function?

So here is something I've been working on ... selecting new furnishings for my home.  I enjoy doing this for others, but find it difficult for myself.  Don't get me wrong, I know what I like, it's not that.  It's the idea of living with something for a while.  Anything with a sense of permanency is hard.  And lets face it, you can't just tuck away a new dining table in the back of the closet very easily.  

Why so arduous you ask?  Firstly, I rarely buy what I don't absolutely want.  Secondly, I am always searching for that "great find."  And thirdly, I don't want regret.  Once I make a decision, I don't like to later realize it was the wrong one.  At times, I don't make a decision at all ... which I guess, in and of itself, is a decision.  And I don't like filler or transient pieces.  I'd much rather live in a bare room with a single amazing chair, versus one filled, to simply be functional.  I want thoughtful selections.  This is all well and good, except when practicality is an issue.   

I realize there's nothing to sweat here, just where I'm at.  So what did I go and do?  Came home with an amazing mirrored brass side table with beautiful patina.  Didn't need it at all, but oh, can't imagine living without it now.

Secret Garden

It's been a while since I've blogged about the ins and outs of my life.  I've been running around so much, it was nice to just take some time off yesterday.  While walking the gardens at the local art museum, I noticed the picnickers.  So many smiles, outbursts of laughter, and some quiet whispers ... where the eyes tell all.  I love that, when there is no need for the exchange of words, merely glances. 

The gardens are quietly beautiful and public, yet feel like my very own secret place to disappear.  I tend to forget exactly which city I'm in, a bonus.  I've been content lately, feeling more settled.  Not itching to run off to another city, except Paris (which looks like might happen this fall).  Or maybe Tuscany, just got an invitation today!

I saw Wolverine the other night, entertaining.  I don't care what those critics say.  I am dying to see the Star Trek movie, I'll watch anything by J. J. Abrams.  Last thing, I am smack in the middle of Breaking Dawn (got me listening to Debussy again) and attempting to stretch out this event.  It has been such a fun read.  So really, not much has been going on, besides dinners with friends, great conversations, long walks ... oh, just heard jingling from the ice cream truck ... how I love this season.  

Christian Dior

I simply adore all of these dresses for summer ... so fun and flirty. The first 3 paired with gold or pewter flat sandals, the last, strappy stilettos. Hair in beachy long loose waves or a casual high ponytail would be pretty. You can't help but take a second or third glance at any woman walking down the street in one of these.

John Galliano is on my list of top 5 designers. His love of femininity and decadence along with a twist of modern gave the House of Dior an amazing face-lift.

Wow, so pretty!

/images via New York magazine/

Lee Ledbetter

I love the use of windows and great proportion in this home ... of course nothing less would be expected from architect extraordinaire, Lee Ledbetter.

/images via Architectural Digest/

Designers Guild

There are few things I enjoy more than a beautifully dressed bed.  White linens for summer ... what a great place to daydream.

/Images via their site/

Paradigm Shift

From time to time, I let myself dwell on a woman who lives across the world.  She has no clue who I am.  I don't even know if she is still alive.  Her story is very close to my heart, a gift from God.  The nameless, faceless woman haunts me.  It is not because she scares me, but because I don't know if I could do what she does. 

Her daily task is walking miles to find something we all take for granted ... dirt.  Clean dirt as opposed to the toxic, waste-ridden kind she resides on.  She carries this clean dirt back home and sells it.  You see, there's a high demand for clean dirt in Kibera. Why?  Well, it's not to grow vegetables or to plant flowers. 

She sell the dirt to mothers ... who bring the dirt home and feed it to their children so tummies won't feel so hungry.  What else can a mother do to keep her child comfortable as she knows he/she will soon die of starvation? 

Self-entitlement is such an ugly thing.

Rainy Day

I love the rain ... especially if I'm lying in bed.  It has been gray and raining outside.  The house is quiet.  Almost too quiet.  Hmm ... what to do this summer?   I'd love to visit Montreal and go to the US Open (Flushing Meadows).  I am also drawing, and once it really warms up, I'll start painting again.  

One new thing I am so excited to dabble in is photography.  It's instantly gratifying, since I'm accustomed to things taking days or weeks to finish.    

Got a new app. on the iPhone, it's take pics that resemble Polaroids ... love technology.  Instantly capturing a mood, expression, moment in time and space is pretty cool.  

Latest Obsession

OMG ... why are these so hard to find?  The odds are against me tonight.

Hunter boots.  

The Monster

I was running errands today and spotted this Ducati Monster!  I love love love this bike!  The shape, sound, feel ... WOW ... a flood of memories of the best first date ever.

He just pulled up and told me to hop on.  I was scared, just a little, but mostly excited.  And let me tell you, there's nothing like riding down Lake Shore Drive in the summer on this bike.  Smart move....

Oh, and the reason why Ducati is better than BMW ... they don't sound like sewing machines.  

   

There Are Dancers And There Are Workers

A few weeks back, a friend told me, "There are two kinds of people in this world ... dancers and workers ... you are a dancer." I don't think she was referring to my affinity towards booty-shaking, but rather, an approach to life.  One thing I do know, I don't have it all figured out and it okay! 

Sometimes, I take a trip down memory lane and cringe.  Wow, was I really that desperate, dumb, naive?  Yes, yes, and yes! But isn't that why life is interesting?  The ability to make a fool out of yourself and later realize, you actually DIDN'T die, is a great thing!  There was also this fear of looking stupid or awkward, but why?  Did anyone else really care? All that energy put forth towards appearing "mature," versus living to the fullest ... what did Shaw say, "youth is wasted on the young."  I might have to agree.  

So a while back, I decided to do three things.  I was going to love boldly, not let fear be the decision maker, and give people the benefit of the doubt.  As a result, I have been hurt, disappointed, and let down; but, I also have a richer life filled with wonderful people.  I'm still not sure what being a "dancer" means, but hopefully, I get to tango with the best of them.  

Believe What They Do

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Maya Angelou

Actions speak louder than words.  People say what they want others to think or perceive of them; but the truth is, we are what we do.  We poke fun at those living in the limelight, but if a camera followed us around for a mere week, we'd be shocked ... maybe horrified ... by the footage.  

I have a friend who happens to also be a writer.  People are often intimidated by his brilliance, but he is one of the kindest people I know.  Driving one morning, a woman flagged him down.  He pulled over and asked if she needed help.  She hurriedly got into his car and gave him an address (this was early morning, before much traffic).  As he drove to her destination, it occurred to him ... she's a prostitute.  She looked disheveled, but mostly tired.  He asked to buy her breakfast, she accepted.  At the restaurant, my friend preceded to pull out her chair and help with her coat.  She flinched, and sat down.  Tears welled up in her eyes, "I've never had a man treat me like a lady before," proof of a true gentleman.

I can't count the times I've witnessed rude treatment of waitstaff.  That's why I love going to dinners or having drinks with people.  I want to see how they interact with waiters/staff.  It speaks volumes and helps me choose who I want in or out of my life.  So, this is my advice to girls (or guys) who are dating; watch, see, and believe how he treats your waiter ... if he's a jerk to him, chances are, he's only a step away from being one to you.  Why wait around for that to happen?

Be Still My Heart

Wow! I want this ... wish the weather would warm up soon. So tired of the cold.

Dress by Giambattista Valli

I love Rob Thomas

Rob Thomas has been a huge crush for years.  I have to confess my single reason for joining twitter was to see if he would respond to me, AND he did!  I know ... he's married ... but I really can't help liking the guy.  I love his writing and watching him perform is pretty sublime.  The way he sings (facial expressions, hand movements, voice) is so him.  

So he has a new album coming out (just caught a clip of "Her Diamonds") which hopefully means I get to see him live soon.  

Oh, and did I tell you he's smart-funny?  Smart-funny AND nice.  Glad to see fame hasn't gone to his head.  

Staying Power

Robert Pattinson is all the rage these days.  Normally, I'm not attracted to men in their 20's, but he's definitely an exception.  This guy has mass appeal ... grandmas are raving about him.  Why?  Because we've all been indulging in the Twilight series.  It's a modern day fairy tale with a twist.  And to be honest, so few things inspire me to daydream, but these books sure do.  

Looks and all, they cast the right person for the movie.  I really can imagine him as "Edward Cullen."  But I'm thoroughly convinced if "Edward" wasn't conceived of, written about, and developed by a woman, there would not be this cult following.  No man invented him, he wouldn't know where to begin.  

It's the magical combination of brute masculinity and the ability to restrain.  I even see it in Daniel Craig's "Bond."  Both are controlled, brilliant killers with soft spots.  He's dangerous, but protects you.  And yes, physically, both are appealing.  But if it was only that, there would be draw with no staying power.  They have staying power. 

Twists and Turns Part 2

Change is hard for everyone ... I certainly don't embrace it, being a creature of habit.  But it is part and parcel to life.  What used to make me laugh, now makes me cringe.  What used to be so important, now is trivial.  I used to love love love the idea of being "in love," now I think it's really just the Devil's way of screwing with you.  On the other hand, I love discovering what once was off-putting, is now embraceable.  Kinda like spicy food.  I mean, who really liked the initial sensation of burning tongue?  But over time, the pain becomes part of the pleasure ... weird.  

So, I am forced to accept fluctuations in relationships.  That's hard to digest.  I know I'm not to regret anything in life, since it's all about learning and growing, but I do.  I deeply wish I could take back every hurtful word, action towards another person, including myself (really, the crap we tell ourselves is pretty debilitating).  

Alright, gonna have to continue this later.

Twists and Turns Part 1

Life deals twists and turns.  First of all, I should be asleep, seeing I have to get up in 4 hours; but one weakness I have ... not being able to get to bed at a reasonable time.  This aside, I love blogging.  I like it so much more than journaling longhand.  I'm amazed I have much to say, it's difficult to edit.  I don't care if it makes sense, just find this so enjoyable.  

Okay, back to my original thought ... twists and turns of life.  I took the kids to the park today.  It's gorgeous out and I'm laughing, chatting with friends.  I haven't felt this good for a while, as despondency and apathy have become daily companions.  I also made a huge arrangement from 4 dozen pink tulips, roasted a chicken, and went shopping for a console.  I mean, it really couldn't have been a better "average" weekday.  

But then, out of left field, a thought sneaks up and puts me in the worst mood.  I couldn't put a finger on it initially. Why was I suddenly struck by a wave of grief?  I will do my best to be succinct.  Even as it comes to me now, it's difficult putting into text, but here goes. The feeling is pressure, the pressure of making sure everyone is okay, because I'm not okay if someone I care for is hurt. The hurt is not physical, but emotional.  Oh, and I can't do anything about it.  I also am partly responsible for the hurt; but again, I can't make them feel better or change their minds.  

I'll continue this later....

Concert Time

I love music ... all types actually, I guess it depends on my mood.  I love dancing too.  I wanted to be a ballerina when I was little.  Funny though, shows like "Idol" or "Dancing With the Stars" are turn-offs.  I can't wait for summer because that's mostly when I see bands and concerts, and I get to dance too!

I am absolutely thrilled to see O.A.R.

and Stephen Kellogg 

in a few days!  Honestly, I was having a hard time finding people to go ... Spring Break.  I probably would have gone by myself though (that would have been interesting).  

So why is this something I am SO excited about? Well, for one, they always look like they're having a great time.  Secondly, their fans are fun (not interested in being around a bunch of bitter, disgruntled people).  And I guess I love when people give of themselves.  Whether it's through painting, drawing, singing, cooking, writing, etc..., if people create and give a piece of who they are to the world, it's an amazing thing.  

Spring Is Here!

So pretty!

Some people look forward to the flowers, warmer weather, rain, birds, etc..., I look forward to the fashion.  Such a great contrast to all the dark I saw and wore all winter.

I think this was a Valentino show.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Nelson Mandela

Running Away

I have traveled to five different cities in the last month and a half. Some trips to see friends, some to see family, some to just be alone. The common denominator is I'm running ... away. I don't know what I'm running from, just that I keep running. And no matter where or how far I go, I experience the awful combination of restlessness and drudgery.

I know it sounds absolutely moronic, but what happens when you have it all, yet experience utter discontentment? Again, my attempt to place thoughts and feelings into a sentence falls short. Hmm, I liken it to a child masterfully crafting a tower out of blocks and then getting the sudden urge to knock it all down. Is that completely wasteful?

I like this photo of me. A dear friend took it while I was on one of my trips. I like it because I look pensive, yet vacant. It really does capture my life for the last 6 months.

I LOVE this dress!

Okay ... I still find myself daydreaming about this dress. Another reason why I think Giambattista Valli is a GENIUS!

Unwell

David played the harp for King Saul to comfort him.

I Sam 18

It's the most soothing instrument, the harp. I absolutely LOVE this version of "Unwell." Sometimes, you run across a piece of music where the instruments, the words, the voice, combined, unleashes something from deep within. Someplace untapped by one's consciousness. That's what this song did for me.

As the music filled my bedroom, it also permeated me. Out of that, a deep sorrow poured over. And oh my, tears. I think it broke my heart, or rather, revealed a broken heart(I'm not sure yet). How can something so impalpable bear the strength to accomplish what a hammer and vice could never achieve?

Pulling Over

I decided to blog for no other reason than to find a place to park thoughts.  Some are mine, some are borrowed.  Thoughts float around constantly.  I find myself losing significant, interesting ones all the time.  I'd love to blame it on life, but that's too fatalistic.  

My days have two speeds, fast and faster.  I cringe looking at the opportunities lost to mature, expand as a result of this odd compulsion to keep going ... not necessarily towards anything, but perhaps from something(to be explored later).  The last few days have unexpectedly shut me down.  This was good; in fact, not only good, but a relief.   You could say I've blown a tire and I have no idea how to change it.

     

I look forward to this journey.  Funny how coming to a stop in life still takes you on a trip.  A trip inside ... kinda scary.