Monday, March 30, 2009

Staying Power



















Robert Pattinson is all the rage these days.  Normally, I'm not attracted to men in their 20's, but he's definitely an exception.  This guy has mass appeal ... grandmas are raving about him.  Why?  Because we've all been indulging in the Twilight series.  It's a modern day fairy tale with a twist.  And to be honest, so few things inspire me to daydream, but these books sure do.  

Looks and all, they cast the right person for the movie.  I really can imagine him as "Edward Cullen."  But I'm thoroughly convinced if "Edward" wasn't conceived of, written about, and developed by a woman, there would not be this cult following.  No man invented him, he wouldn't know where to begin.  

It's the magical combination of brute masculinity and the ability to restrain.  I even see it in Daniel Craig's "Bond."  Both are controlled, brilliant killers with soft spots.  He's dangerous, but protects you.  And yes, physically, both are appealing.  But if it was only that, there would be draw with no staying power.  They have staying power. 

Friday, March 27, 2009

Twists and Turns Part 2

Change is hard for everyone ... I certainly don't embrace it, being a creature of habit.  But it is part and parcel to life.  What used to make me laugh, now makes me cringe.  What used to be so important, now is trivial.  I used to love love love the idea of being "in love," now I think it's really just the Devil's way of screwing with you.  On the other hand, I love discovering what once was off-putting, is now embraceable.  Kinda like spicy food.  I mean, who really liked the initial sensation of burning tongue?  But over time, the pain becomes part of the pleasure ... weird.  

So, I am forced to accept fluctuations in relationships.  That's hard to digest.  I know I'm not to regret anything in life, since it's all about learning and growing, but I do.  I deeply wish I could take back every hurtful word, action towards another person, including myself (really, the crap we tell ourselves is pretty debilitating).  

Alright, gonna have to continue this later.

Twists and Turns Part 1

Life deals twists and turns.  First of all, I should be asleep, seeing I have to get up in 4 hours; but one weakness I have ... not being able to get to bed at a reasonable time.  This aside, I love blogging.  I like it so much more than journaling longhand.  I'm amazed I have much to say, it's difficult to edit.  I don't care if it makes sense, just find this so enjoyable.  

Okay, back to my original thought ... twists and turns of life.  I took the kids to the park today.  It's gorgeous out and I'm laughing, chatting with friends.  I haven't felt this good for a while, as despondency and apathy have become daily companions.  I also made a huge arrangement from 4 dozen pink tulips, roasted a chicken, and went shopping for a console.  I mean, it really couldn't have been a better "average" weekday.  

But then, out of left field, a thought sneaks up and puts me in the worst mood.  I couldn't put a finger on it initially. Why was I suddenly struck by a wave of grief?  I will do my best to be succinct.  Even as it comes to me now, it's difficult putting into text, but here goes. The feeling is pressure, the pressure of making sure everyone is okay, because I'm not okay if someone I care for is hurt. The hurt is not physical, but emotional.  Oh, and I can't do anything about it.  I also am partly responsible for the hurt; but again, I can't make them feel better or change their minds.  

I'll continue this later....

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Concert Time

I love music ... all types actually, I guess it depends on my mood.  I love dancing too.  I wanted to be a ballerina when I was little.  Funny though, shows like "Idol" or "Dancing With the Stars" are turn-offs.  I can't wait for summer because that's mostly when I see bands and concerts, and I get to dance too!

I am absolutely thrilled to see O.A.R.




and Stephen Kellogg 
in a few days!  Honestly, I was having a hard time finding people to go ... Spring Break.  I probably would have gone by myself though (that would have been interesting).  

So why is this something I am SO excited about? Well, for one, they always look like they're having a great time.  Secondly, their fans are fun (not interested in being around a bunch of bitter, disgruntled people).  And I guess I love when people give of themselves.  Whether it's through painting, drawing, singing, cooking, writing, etc..., if people create and give a piece of who they are to the world, it's an amazing thing.  

Monday, March 23, 2009

Spring Is Here!













So pretty!

Some people look forward to the flowers, warmer weather, rain, birds, etc..., I look forward to the fashion.  Such a great contrast to all the dark I saw and wore all winter.

I think this was a Valentino show.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Nelson Mandela

Running Away



















I have traveled to five different cities in the last month and a half. Some trips to see friends, some to see family, some to just be alone. The common denominator is I'm running ... away. I don't know what I'm running from, just that I keep running. And no matter where or how far I go, I experience the awful combination of restlessness and drudgery.

I know it sounds absolutely moronic, but what happens when you have it all, yet experience utter discontentment? Again, my attempt to place thoughts and feelings into a sentence falls short. Hmm, I liken it to a child masterfully crafting a tower out of blocks and then getting the sudden urge to knock it all down. Is that completely wasteful?

I like this photo of me. A dear friend took it while I was on one of my trips. I like it because I look pensive, yet vacant. It really does capture my life for the last 6 months.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I LOVE this dress!



















Okay ... I still find myself daydreaming about this dress. Another reason why I think Giambattista Valli is a GENIUS!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Unwell



David played the harp for King Saul to comfort him.
I Sam 18

It's the most soothing instrument, the harp. I absolutely LOVE this version of "Unwell." Sometimes, you run across a piece of music where the instruments, the words, the voice, combined, unleashes something from deep within. Someplace untapped by one's consciousness. That's what this song did for me.

As the music filled my bedroom, it also permeated me. Out of that, a deep sorrow poured over. And oh my, tears. I think it broke my heart, or rather, revealed a broken heart(I'm not sure yet). How can something so impalpable bear the strength to accomplish what a hammer and vice could never achieve?

Pulling Over

I decided to blog for no other reason than to find a place to park thoughts.  Some are mine, some are borrowed.  Thoughts float around constantly.  I find myself losing significant, interesting ones all the time.  I'd love to blame it on life, but that's too fatalistic.  

My days have two speeds, fast and faster.  I cringe looking at the opportunities lost to mature, expand as a result of this odd compulsion to keep going ... not necessarily towards anything, but perhaps from something(to be explored later).  The last few days have unexpectedly shut me down.  This was good; in fact, not only good, but a relief.   You could say I've blown a tire and I have no idea how to change it.
     
I look forward to this journey.  Funny how coming to a stop in life still takes you on a trip.  A trip inside ... kinda scary.