detachment

it's really quiet.  i just ate dinner.  my email does not work. this irritates me.

i am going to move.  i am determined to leave this placid little city of perfect facades + well-manicured lawns.  i think i have grown so comfortable i can't even feel surges of excitement anymore.  i can't write, i can't sleep, i can hardly eat + if i do eat, i eat crap food.

oh, it really sucks to be deceived.  i think it's the hardest thing to do, go through your days feeling a hole in your fucking chest that will never close up.  you just cover it up with smiles + cheap conversation, hoping no one asks for anything.

even if you do the right things, it doesn't mean the pain goes away. and seriously, what is the right thing anyways?  i mean, i think the right thing is to move away from the source of pain.  but if the pain is from within, how does one deal?

attachment is going to be the death of me.  so will detachment.  detachment will kill my soul.

no diggity - chet faker

all night long

matchbox twenty - unwell

i posted this several years ago, but it disappeared.  so here it is again ... because sometimes, the past revisits you.

last month

i felt myself come out of the slumber.  this rain was serious, it wanted to be noticed.  so i awoke.  i stayed under my covers, in the darkness, listening.

so much has happened in the last month.  i saw places i have never been, walked streets i have only read about + met someone whom i had only previously known as a "pen pal."  have you ever allowed yourself to get so excited about something only to be let down? well, i really let myself get excited about everything i was to experience in europe, i mean everything.  + it was more.  everything was more.  the sights, the sounds, the tastes.  + finally, to meet the one with whom i have only written with for the last 5 months ... more.  sitting there on our last evening together, feeling a dread rising up out of nowhere.  then in the midst of conversation, my tears.  oh goodness, please no.  don't cry now.  but i couldn't stop.  the momentum of the evening, having to say goodbye.  one traveling back to the states, the other, flying back into the future ... once again, separate by different timezones + an ocean.  the embraces, the touching of hands, the looks that speak more than words ... the closeness.  the heartbreak of knowing what cannot be.  to commit to memory someone's features + dips + crinkles with your eyes for as long as you can ... as all things tend to fade with time.

that was the last time i let myself get really excited about something.

the heart knows

i had an ex who would drive 1,100 miles to see me for less than 24 hours + then drive 1,100 miles back.  almost every other weekend.

that's how you know.  trust actions.  never trust words.

you can't deceive your own heart for too long ... these whisperings of our hearts.

alone

i am practicing aloneness.  i don't even know what that means other than i am not going out.  with anyone.  except for a few family members, pup + kitten.  i don't like it at all.  it gets lonely.  but so easily remedied with saying "yes" to this or to that.  i have put this off way to long + i don't think it will get any easier.

there is always so much noise, you know.  things + people wanting your attention.  you wanting their attention.  or maybe you want his attention.  to feel special or valued.  attachments.  to actually be alone for an extended time feels desperate.  so desperate.  to spend time with yourself.  time just quiet + not flooding the mind with music or visuals or people.  

please let this get easier.  please let me not need to be in the company of another.  please let me enjoy my own company, doing regular things.  being normal.  staying in it.  not chasing, ever ever ever.  so mortifyingly hard. 

men + women can be friends

(i wrote this back in february, but forgot to post until tonight)

what remedy is there for sorrow?  what cures a heart that breaks?  laughter.  i swear it is the craziest thing.  the phone buzzes + he says something so witty + clever,  you burst out laughing in the midst of crying ... well, that is something special.  + you lay in bed thinking about it,  relive the memory + you catch yourself smiling again.  now wait, that really is something.  because as i type this, i am still smiling.

i have had the pleasure of the company of so many wonderful individuals.  but only a handful keep my attention.  this past weekend was one of the most fun, ever.  it consisted of being around a small group of men.  did you hear that?  i didn't say boys, but men.  the kind who make your pulse quicken just a bit  + wish you only wore expensive lacy black underpinnings because well, it just feels more like a woman, more sexy.  okay, yes, they treat you to fancy restaurants + pull out your chairs + make sure you always have an escort to this + to that ... oh, + the compliments, the lavishing on of compliments from such eloquent lips makes my knees weak.  but that's not entirely what i am talking about.  these men have stories.  the kind of stories that make the surrounding tables take pause + lean over to eavesdrop a tad too long.  the kind of stories causing passers-by to stop + join in for a drink or two.  the kind of stories that stretch a fine dinner out until a realization the staff is just hanging around listening, enjoying the boisterousness as much as our little party.

these men make me feel so spoiled.  how did i ever get so lucky as to be the only woman allowed?  sure, the drinks kept coming + that wonderful sound of uncontrollable laughter.  then you find yourself back at the peninsula suite.  they give you the king bed + tuck you in because keeping up with them became impossible once 3am arrived.  my favorite part ... lounging around the next morning in plush, white bathrobes drinking coffee + mimosas.  catching up, catching up on life, on family.