Again

I have been "hiding" lately. Not literally, of course, but just not able to express what has been going on. At this time, I am just hanging out with my closest friends and family. No one else. I feel fragile, but I know I won't break. That fact, I learned through experience. All the times I encountered betrayals, let-downs, lies, etc..., I came up breathing. And so shall it be this time (disclaimer--nothing written here concerns immediate family or close friends.) That is hard to do, you know? I mean, really hard to do. By default, one is tempted to build up walls, pull the covers over, and disappear. Never let people in, so you can't ever be disappointed, again. I was good at this. But it got to the place where I barely felt much of anything. I was "too cool for school," and to this day, that time serves to remind me of where I never want to be, again.

Everyone makes mistakes. Most people fail miserably. But isn't that life? Hopefully, we learn, so we don't make the same mistakes over and over. I know people who rarely "fail." That's because they rarely take risks. They don't go for "it," but settle for what is all too easy, the familiar. They don't really live, but will attempt to suck the life out of you. If you know someone like this, then you also know the weight of that relationship will be on your shoulders. They enter your world, and consume. Of course, this is all under the guise of thoughtfulness, care, and integrity. But when the proverbial wolf bears its teeth, it's pretty much too late.

When I extend a part of me, it is real. When you hurt me, you hurt what is real. Outwardly, I am composed, but on the inside, I certainly feel pain. The goal is to work through the pain, not wallow in it, or worse, pretend it's not there. Can there ever be joy without knowing what it means to suffer? I won't lash out or become contemptuous. What good would that accomplish? So what to do now? Surround myself with those who care and not mentally beat myself up ... at least too much for actually believing you ... again.