new beginning

spring is finally here + i think it saved me.  saved me from myself + all the tendencies coming along with a typical midwestern winter.  the pain of cold is like knives.  hard steel slicing + slashing away at any + all hope for relief.  the sharpness never dulled, endless really, but here we are ... at a new beginning.  again.

i went for a hike today hoping i could arrest the constant spiralings of my mind.  the woods crackled + snapped under each step as i made my way to the river below.  evidence of life peeking out here + there amidst the decaying brownness, until i was greeted with the loveliest carpet of green speckled with delicate yellow.  it was here where i made a small promise to myself.  it's the same promise i make every year.  also the same promise i break ... every year.  but today was different.  because i decided to stay.  stop running away from it all.  stay to make peace with, to embrace this place i have chosen to be in life.

as i headed towards my car, what struck me was the sound of winds crashing against the tallest tree branches.  + wouldn't you know it, with closed eyes, i could have sworn i was next to the ocean.  a small gift to me.

walking away

 it's one of the hardest things to do you know, letting go.  because there is comfort in the familiarity.  there are moments of connecting, skin upon skin, sharing of pains, laughing at sillies.  but the distance + silence never really leave for more than those moments.

when he touches your face, and softly whispers "baby," these moments can't be erased.  i wish they could, to soften the fallout.  because the real sharp pain begins once you say "good-bye." to indefinitely walk away from someone you love, or think you love, because no matter how many times he calls you  "baby," or tells you he wants to go away to louisville, miami, thailand with you, how amazing his touch is, he is still broken.  you are still broken.  two broken people finding relief in those moments.  enveloping, high on each other, but then the crash.  and all that is left is emptiness, quietness + despair.

i loathe the crash.  so much that i can't partake in the highs with him anymore.  being with someone who doesn't want you as much as you want him is something to walk away from.  and you learn to live without him.  you learn the compromise was more of a short-changing.  and maybe one day, if you heal, if he heals ... i don't know.  but at least there is a chance for happiness.  

l.a. suite

why are we all so broken? (music by french kicks)

Immolate Yourself -- Telefon Tel Aviv

Pretty music, but the video makes me squirm.

Bon Iver

Most relationships hover somewhere around here. If we were honest.

Myth -- Beach House

Dreamy.

The Kills

Driving music.  Snow.  Evening.